


Chasing Shadows

by vogue91



Category: Summer Nude
Genre: F/M, Introspection, Jealousy, Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 09:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14102313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Three years he had seen him ruin himself behind the thought of something that wasn’t going to come back, and three years, perhaps more, Hikaru had watched her chasing something she wasn’t going to get.





	Chasing Shadows

A punch.

Perhaps he could’ve allowed himself a punch.

Hikaru thought about it every time he saw him, and every time he desisted.

It would’ve been a problem, he knew that; all the town of Misaki would’ve known about it within the afternoon, his father would’ve had something to say, _everybody_ would’ve, because minding their own business had never been that place’s policy.

Yet, thinking about how satisfying it would’ve been, the desire to do so persisted.

That day he had come for yet another time to pay the fee for not taking back the DVD, and as usual Hikaru had asked him to return it.

He didn’t do it for any particular policy of the video rental, and it was likely that Asahi knew that.

He should’ve gotten used to it, anyway, to people telling him to stop thinking about her, to stop living thinking that she was going to be back, that it would’ve all been like it was before.

Hikaru had never been prodigal of suggestions for him; on one hand he was okay with him still thinking about Kasumi, that he kept ignoring the constant presence of Hanae beside him.

On the other though, he just couldn’t be so selfish.

Hanae smiled, always. She never complained about Asahi and his cold and distant behaviour, she never showed she suffered for the constant presence of Kasumi between them, she was content with those crumbs he kept giving her and she persevered, whatever happened.

Three years he had seen him ruin himself behind the thought of something that wasn’t going to come back, and three years, perhaps more, Hikaru had watched her chasing something she wasn’t going to get.

He wished he could’ve told her; tell her that Asahi wasn’t destined to make her happy, that he had never tried that, and even if he did he wasn’t going to succeed.  

That he, instead, was waiting for nothing but a chance to prove himself, to show her what it meant having to her side someone that only thought about her,  whose mind wasn’t polluted by anything and no one else.

He sighed, focusing again on the man in front of him, taking the money mechanically, not even looking him in the eyes.

“Hanae keeps waiting for you to return the movie.” he informed him, raising an eyebrow.

Asahi sighed, shrugging.

“I will. One day, I will. But it has nothing to do with her, you know that. And Hanae knows as well.”

Hikaru sneered, shaking his head.

“If you’re convinced it has nothing to do with her, then tell her that…” he stopped, chewing on his lips.

He couldn’t, damn it.

He couldn’t deliberately  tell him to hurt her, to end all her hopes, because he knew how much she would’ve suffered and because he was afraid she would’ve started chasing a ghost as well.

Perhaps Asahi and Hanae were more similar than he thought, but to his eyes it didn’t mean there was any sort of destiny written for them.

“What should I tell her? She already knows everything I think, doesn’t she?” he bit his lip, unsure. “I don’t want to hurt her, nor I want to make her happy. I try, Hikaru. I don’t...” he was doubting and it showed, but he wasn’t necessarily guilty. “It’s not because of me that she feels that way. It’s not my fault.”

A punch.

A punch would’ve been enough, perhaps. 

Or perhaps he would’ve wanted to keep hitting him, telling him that it wasn’t fair, that what he was doing was the worst, that he didn’t deserve her and that he should’ve found a way to break up with her, to free her from that limbo in which he had holed himself up three years before.

He clenched his fist, so hard that his knuckles turned white, and Asahi noticed.

“Go away.” he demanded, turning his back on him.

He didn’t want to look at his face anymore. He had arrived to his limit.

The man didn’t say anything else and left, closing the door softly behind his back.

If it would’ve been in his powers, Hikaru would’ve forbidden him to come back again.

Let him never return that DVD.

Let Hanae figure out on her own that she was fighting for a lost cause.

Let her realize, finally, that he had always been there, that he was never going to make her feel so damn insignificant.

He sighed, closing his eyes briefly.

There was nothing he could do to dissuade her that Asahi wasn’t already doing.

The cards, in the end, were all in Hanae’s hands.

 

~

 

He met her at Aoyama that afternoon.

She was sitting at a table close to the counter, and was laughing about something with Natsuki.

She was so damn beautiful when she laughed.

Hikaru sighed, getting closer and forcing a smile on his face when he went sitting next to her.

She was the only one, after all, for whom it was worth trying.

“Ah, hello. Did you manage to leave that dark and gloomy place?” the cook mocked him, still chuckling with Hanae.

Hikaru shrugged, little amused.

He couldn’t deny it was true.

Natsuki seemed to catch some tension, in his stare or in his attitude, and she chose to go away, taking care of the other clients.

Hanae took a sip of her beer, letting go with her back against the chair and staring intent at the sea, right in front of her.

“I’ve been busy this morning, I couldn’t come to the video rental.” she said, and he understood right away what she wanted to ask.

“No.” he said, dry. “He’s come to pay for the delay, as usual, but he didn’t return the DVD.”

Hanae smiled, like always.

“He’s truly stubborn, don’t you think so? But, luckily...” she shrugged, smiling wider. “He’s not more stubborn than me.”

Hikaru sighed.

He held back and held back and held back.

He was really beginning to get sick of it. Among all those expressing their opinion about Asahi, Kasumi and Hanae as well, he would’ve been the first to have something to say, yet he had always kept quiet, because he had never seen what good talking would’ve done.

He was awfully tired, now.

“When are you going to stop?” he asked her abruptly, without even turning to look at her. He knew that if he would’ve done that he would’ve kept quiet, and then things were never going to change, not for him.

Hanae, on the contrary, looked at him. He heard her turning, he felt her stare on.

By the corner of his eye, he also saw she wasn’t smiling anymore.

“When am I going to stop doing what?” she asked, and by her tone he understood she knew exactly what he was talking about, but that she wanted to hear him say it.

She wasn’t going to make it easy for him, if she could’ve avoided it.

“Asahi.” he blurted out. “This continuous chasing him, this letting him believe that everything he does is right. This hurting yourself and getting absolutely nothing out of him. What do you really expect him to do, Hanae? Do you want to keep waiting for him until the day he will surrender to the fact that Kasumi is not coming back? Do you want to wait for him to finally give up on that DVD, that he finally stops waving at the billboard, that he takes a picture of you so that you could finally live happily ever after? This is...” he stopped.

He found the courage to look at her, and he saw her smiling again.

He didn’t understand, he couldn’t say what she was thinking at all.

“I know. I know Asahi doesn’t love him and that I’m holding on to nothing. And yet I can’t help it. I know that one day he’s going to stop chasing after a memory, and I know it doesn’t mean he will start feeling something for me.” she sighed, raising her arms to stretch and then bending them behind her head, slipping further on the chair. “But I just need to believe it. Exactly like he believes in Kasumi’s return. It’s madness and it’s irrational, but in the end isn’t it the same? If we’re both going to have our hopes disappointed it’s okay all the same. At least we will be at peace with ourselves and we will be able to say we’ve tried, that we’ve kept believing it. I think it’s the only way we have to prove ourselves the way we love, to convince ourselves day after day that we’re right.”

Hikaru nodded, because in the end he understood, because after all he was the same as them.

Always chasing after something, never getting any results or seeing the goal getting closer, but keeping running because, once started, he couldn’t stop.

He looked back in front of himself: it was almost sunset, and the sun coloured the sky of an orange-red, intense; he thought about Asahi, all of a sudden, at him taking a picture right that moment, with Hanae as a subject.

He thought how beautiful it would’ve been the smile the girl would’ve put on for him then, even though she knew he wasn’t going to smile back.

And then he smiled as well, even though right now he had no reason to.

“Perhaps it’s really like that.” he said, giving momentarily up his battle. “And perhaps one day Asahi will truly realize he’s thrown away years of his life, and perhaps he’ll see you.” he sighed, shaking his head and then standing up. “I better get going now.” he said, making as to go to the street.  

“You’re already going? The video rental’s closed, do you have something interesting to do?” the girl asked, finishing her beer quickly and leaning toward the counter, leaving a bill close to the register and waving at Natsuki, catching up with him.

“Nothing in particular.” Hikaru replied, shrugging. “I’m just tired. I want to go home.”

“Ah, you’re always like this.” Hanae scolded him, patting his shoulder. “You should start putting yourself out there, you know? You’re always holed up in that place, you only hang out with us, and barely, and you practically never go out. Don’t you feel like looking around a bit?” she asked, mocking him slightly.

Hikaru burst out laughing, against all odds.

“Oh, but...” he murmured, leaning down to her. “I know _exactly_ where to look, Hanae.”

He took longer strides, trying to get a distance from her, but as it appeared it wasn’t necessary.

The girl stopped, and even without looking at her Hikaru knew she looked confused.

He almost felt sorry for her.

He wanted to go back, tell her that there were things he could never say, because he didn’t want to until she would’ve been the one to realize them on her own.

Perhaps Hanae and Asahi were the same, he established, but he wasn’t like them.

Let them all talk about Asahi and the way he was deluding himself, let them all hope that one day Hanae was going to be able to open his eyes, to have him look at her differently, for once.

Hikaru was going to keep what he felt for himself, and he was going to be the only witness to that useless chase.

When Hanae would’ve realized that, if she would’ve ever, he was going to be ready to make her happy like she had always deserved.

Until then, like the other two, he was going to be satisfied with chasing a shadow.

 


End file.
